Is this the way to Bayville, New York?
by allyg1990
Summary: Remy's just been rejected for the 128th time. St. John just wants his sheila to smile. What's a man to do? Sing to his girl, of course. The Acolytes present...their own version of 'Is this the way to Amarillo' ROMY, JONDA, KIOTR, Oneshot


CRASH.

St. John Allerdyce looked up from his lighter into the red-on-black eyes of Remy LeBeau, the thief's crimson irises burning more brightly than usual. _Like foire..._ he mused, but snapped out of it when Remy threw himself onto the couch.

"What's got yer knickers in a twist, mate?" the Aussie inquired, but Remy cut him off with a sharp glare. "Aah, it's that sheila of yours, ain't it?"

John nodded to himself when Remy ignored him. "Did she blank ya again?"

The floodgates burst; Remy leapt to his feet, steam all but gushing out of his ears.

"_Oui!_ She did! An' y' know what? I can't take it anymore! It used t' be fun, like a challenge or somet'in', but now it's damned irritatin'! I mean, I'm _Remy LeBeau!_ She is a _femme_! She's meant t' be throwin' herself at m' feet, but here I am slaverin' like a puppy dog t' get de girl t' invite me t' her birt'day party, an' she still says no."

John contemplated this for a moment. "Ya were droolin'? That ain't nice, mate."

"Of course I wasn' droolin'," the Cajun snapped. "Remy LeBeau doesn't _drool_."

In response to this, Pyro shrugged. "Good ta know."

Remy stared at his teammate, and then let his face fall into his hands.

"She t'inks 'm jus' chasin' her," he mumbled through his fingers. "I can't get her t' realize dat she ain't jus' a one night stand."

"Aww, don' cry, mate," Pyro said good-naturedly as he dug around between the cushions of the sofa. "'ere, this'll help yer. I think it's Buckethead's."

Remy looked up for a split second, then grabbed the bottle of whisky. "T'anks," he murmured as he popped the cork and swallowed a healthy dose.

The two men sat in silence for a moment, passing the bottle between them. Finally Remy burst out with, "S'not fair. What do normal _hommes_ do t' get deir _femmes_?"

"Sing to 'em," Pyro remarked absently. "Make 'em laugh. It would bloody well help if I could get moiy sheila t' laugh. Pretty as 'er face is, she never even smiles."

Remy took another gulp before passing the bottle to his friend. "Who, de Scarlet Witch? Good luck wit' dat, _mon ami._"

"Thanks, mate," Pyro replied, too absorbed in his misery to realize that Remy was being sarcastic. Then a little light bulb flashed above his head and he jumped off of the couch. "That's it! Paprika!"

Remy frowned, his senses a little muddled. "Don't y' mean Eureka?"

St. John waved away the correction. "Right. I jus' gave meself the best piece of advice I've ever 'ad. We gotta sing to our sheilas—sing 'em somethin' funny, and then they'll be all over us like mice bitin' cheese!"

"What I wouldn' give f'r Rogue t' bite _me_," Remy muttered under his breath. Pyro smacked him.

"Don't be indecent, mate! Come on, where's yer sense of adventure? Darin'? Danger?"

"Danger's right. Rogue'd slap me upside de head if I sang t' her," Remy shot back as he rubbed the red mark on his cheek. "An' Wanda would hex y' sorry behind out de nearest window."

"It can't hurt, can it?" Johnny replied reasonably, and extended the bottle. "Come on, Remy. Do ya love 'er?"

"_Non!_" Remy said hastily, and Pyro gave him a knowing stare. "Okay, _oui_. But dat don' mean 'm gonna do some dumb song-and-dance routine."

"It won't be dumb," Pyro assured the Cajun, stars flashing in his eyes. "It's gonna be brilliant, mate. Brillianter than kangaroo boxin'. Brillianter than barbeques. Maybe even brillianter than _forest fires_."

Remy gave him a blank look. "Is 'brillianter' a word?"

Pyro flapped a hand. "No worries. Let's go find the tin-man, I know he's been pinin' over that cat-sheila. An' Sabey on the keyboard makes a quartet!"

"Sabertooth don't play de piano," Remy pointed out. John shook his head.

"Yes 'e does! An' Magneto plays the clarinet, but that ain't exactly useful for the song I'm thinkin' of, so we'll leave 'im out this time around."

Remy's jaw dropped.

"Come on, mate, yer catchin' flies. We gotta whole lotta plannin' ta do and not very much time."

With that he grabbed Remy's hand and dragged him into the bowels of the Acolyte base, leaving the whiskey bottle forgotten and three-quarters empty.

***

Barely three hours later, all four Acolytes were standing outside the gate to the Xavier Institute, Pyro clutching an empty barrel, Sabretooth clutching a portable keyboard and Colossus clutching a stress ball. Remy, who had finished off the bottle of whiskey before they left the base was merely holding onto a lock pick, which hadn't proved of any use so far seeing as the gates did not have a lock.

"Well, _mes amis,_ I t'ink we gonna have t' climb," Remy concluded, a sorrowful tone to his voice.

"Just charge up the entry keypad, idiot," Sabretooth grunted, immensely happy that Wolverine was out of town dealing with something. It was _not_ his choice to be here, but he knew that Pyro's threats of leaking candid videos of his more…err, cat-like behavior onto YouTube were very real. And no-one wants footage of them chasing a ball of yarn splashed all over the internet. It's not good for your street cred.

Recognition sparked in Remy's eyes.

"_Bon idée, m'sieu,_" he allowed, and touched a finger to the keypad. The metal glowed fuchsia and all four men took a big step back before it exploded into crackling confetti.

The gates creaked open, and they strode in. Remy being a thief, they managed to sneak in through the back door and into the living room before anyone noticed. However, as soon as the Acolytes stepped into the light Scott's eyes snapped up from his enthralling conversation with Hank about danger room upgrades and he yelled, "X-Men! Assemble! We're under attack!"

A gentle hand on his shoulder comforted him. "Scott, they aren't here to attack us. Quite the opposite, actually. Just let them be."

"But Jean, they're the Acolytes!" Scott whined. Jean sighed.

"I know Scott, but believe me when I say that you will not want to miss this. It's going to be so cute!"

Scott wrinkled his nose, and his face took on a bewildered puppy-dog expression. "Cute? Them? Jean, I think you're—"

"I'm not delusional, Scott," Jean reassured him patiently. "Do you trust me?"

"Jeee-ean—"

"Do you trust me?"

Green eyes met red visor and Scott slumped.

"Fine. They've got ten minutes." He raised his voice. "Any funny business and I'm shooting you all the way to Timbuktu!"

"_Mais_ Scooter, I bet y' don' even know where Timbuktu is," Gambit replied, smooth as ever, as he helped Sabretooth set up the keyboard.

The other students of the Xavier Institute were far too busy staring at the Acolytes to bother being confused about their appearance; the girls gazing on in quiet appreciation, the boys in annoyance. Only three girls who were sitting at the back of the room even commented on the new arrivals.

"What's that stupid swamp rat doing here?" Rogue nearly shrieked. "Ah told him he was _not _on mah guest list, and did he listen? No! He didn't! What the heck does he think he's doin' crashin' _mah_ party!"

"Relax, Rogue," Wanda Maximoff retorted, nudging her friend. "It was you who said this party was going to be the lamest event of the century. Maybe this'll liven things up a little."

"Did yah see who's with him?" Rogue shot back. "That pyromaniac friend 'o yours!"

Wanda blanched. "Hide me," she whispered, and tried to stand behind Rogue.

"Stop it, Wanda! What's so intimidatin' 'bout the guy anyway? Sure, he's nuts, but—"

"Nuts I can handle," Wanda hissed. "I'm not exactly sane myself. But he's infatuated with me! He's almost worse than Toad!"

"But waaaay better looking," Kitty reminded Wanda as she sidled up to the two Goths. "Rogue, you didn't tell me that you invited—"

"Ah did _not_ invite the Cajun," Rogue cried. Kitty grinned.

"I was like, going to say Colossus, but whatever. This party is totally shaping up."

Back on stage, Remy had grabbed a microphone from somewhere, and was about to begin his speech.

"Ladies and gentlemen, somet'in' terrible happened dis mornin'," he began in a rather pitiful voice. "I got rejected by _ma chere_ for de hundred and twenty eighth time."

"Wow, Rogue," Kitty exclaimed. "He was keeping count too?"

A dead arm distracted Kitty more than words ever could.

"So," Remy continued, "Us Acolytes got somet'in' planned special real f'r our _femmes_—except Sabretooth, 'cuz he ain't got no _femme_. Al'dough I figure it ain't so nice of us t' crash Roguey's party wit' somet'in' dat ain't jus' f'r her, I had trouble comin' up wit' de right words f'r ever verse, so Johnny and Petey said dey'd help me out."

He flourished an arm towards the pianist. "Hit it, Victor."

Sabretooth flushed scarlet, but clawed the keyboard nonetheless.

When the music started up, Rogue groaned and buried her face in Wanda's sleeve.

"Kill meh now. Ah ain't gonna last for the next three minutes."

Wanda smiled a shaky smile as Remy cleared his throat and began.

"When de day is dawnin'

On a N'awlins Sunday mornin'

How I long t' be dere

Wit' sweet Marie who's waitin' f'r me dere,"

Rogue pulled her face up. "How does he know my name?!" she whispered as her eyes met the thief's. He winked at her, and she turned red, half out of embarrassment, half out of anger.

"An' every city—"

Pyro jumped in with a rather feminine 'ooh'ing and 'aah'ing to punctuate Remy's rather nifty random staff moves.

"Where I use m' staff,

Ain't half as pretty

as where m' _chere_ is a-at!

Is dis de way t' Bayville, New York?

De more I wait de more bourbon I uncork

Dreamin' dreams of Bayville, New York

An' m' _cherie_ who waits for me.

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

BOOM BOOM—"

Wanda didn't know where Pyro got the barrel of oil he was using as an enormous drum,

and she definitely didn't need to know where the contents went.

"—Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

BOOM BOOM

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

An' m' _cherie_ who waits f'r me."

Kitty grinned as she glanced over at where Rogue was standing. She'd never seen her friend blush quite so hard before, especially not with all her layers of make-up on. But it wasn't just her skin tone—Rogue was standing frozen on the floor, her eyes the size of dinner plates and her mouth open, half horrified, half pleasantly embarrassed.

"That was almost…cute of him to make a fool of himself for you," Wanda remarked, her expression thoughtful. That woke Rogue up out of her daze.

"Ah wouldn't get so sentimental, by the look of things yah're up next."

And sure enough, Pyro had grabbed the microphone. Wanda paled, but grinned when she saw that Remy was no longer on stage.

"Sure, but I think you're in for a surprise too."

Rogue frowned. "What do yah—"

"Bonjour, _cherie_."

"Swamp rat!" she shrieked, jumping a foot in the air. "What the heck are you doin' here? Ah _told_ ya you weren't invited!"

Remy smirked, his arms comfortably folded. "Since when has that ever stopped _me_?"

Rogue's flush was now entirely angry, and she clenched her fists hard. "You have no idea how many ways ah'm gonna kill—"

"Shhh," Remy hissed, and grabbed her covered shoulders to spin her around. "Y' gon' want t' see dis."

Rogue bit her tongue, because Pyro was on the verge of opening his mouth.

"There's a church a-burnin'

Hear the song of citizens screamin'

For my dear sweet Sheila

And the bloke who's comin' ta see 'er—"

Wanda's terrified expression changed to bewildered. "Wow," she whispered to Kitty, "He's crazier than I thought he was."

"Just beyond the highway!" Pyro crowed, clearly having the time of his life, until he nodded to Piotr to start the backup 'ooing'. Unfortunately, Piotr returned his nod with a look that said 'Hell to the no,' so Pyro sang both parts, gasping for breath at the end of each line.

"Ooooooaaaaah,

There's a zippo store

Ooooooaaaah,

And it keeps me goin'

Through the ragin' sto-orms!"

Is this the way to Bayville, New York?

Every night I've been huggin' moiy stuffed orc—"

"He has a stuffed _orc_?" Wanda cried. Remy shrugged.

"_Oui._ De t'ing's called cuddles."

"—dreamin' dreams of Bayville, New York

And moiy Sheila who waits for me."

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

BOOM BOOM

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

BOOM BOOM

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

And moiy Sheila who waits for me."

"See, dat wasn' so bad, was it?" Remy asked the Scarlet Witch, who was extremely pale and on the verge of collapsing. Wanda swallowed hard, and then closed her eyes.

"So, like, who's next?" Kitty asked, her eyes glued to the stage.

Remy grinned. "Y' are, p'tite."

Well, Kitty was _supposed _to be—but when Johnny passed the Russian the microphone, the enormous man stood stock still on the stage.

"Mate, come on, what are ya doin'? This is getting embarassin'. Just _do _it!"

But it wasn't John's words that made him cough and then begin. It was Kitty's face, half bewildered and half ecstatic, her eyes somehow finding his during that crucial moment.

"When the day is dawning

On a Russian Sunday morning

How I long to be there

With sweet Katya who's waiting for me there."

At that point it became too much. Piotr froze, his eyes wide with fear, and Pyro grabbed the mike, ad-libbing wildly.

"Through every city

He lugs 'is oil paints

To paint his Kitty

'cos she's such a sa-aint!"

Kitty blushed hard, though it was plain to see that she was very, very pleased. Remy smiled at her expression, and then released Rogue.

"_Desolee, cherie,_ but I've got to go."

"Fahne!" Rogue spat, kind of secretly missing his presence, but he was already up on stage just in time for the chorus.

"Is this the way to Bayville, New York?

It's been so long that I'm eyeing that carving fork—"

"Carving fork?" Rogue muttered in confusion. Remy shrugged on stage, and mouthed, "_Knife wouldn' fit."_

"—dreaming dreams of Bayville, New York

And my girl who waits for me."

And, of course, Pyro couldn't help snatching the mike for a solo.

"Show me the way to Bayville, New York!

I've been missin' Wanda's cute metal spork—"

"Spork?" Kitty and Rogue asked in unison. Wanda cringed and buried her face in her hands.

"It was a gift from Toad. Pyro likes playing games with it when he comes over. Like, find the spork. Try to melt the spork. See if the spork will conduct electricity if we stick it in a socket."

The other girls nodded in understanding, though their confusion was far from dissolved.

"—crying over Bayville, New York

And moiy Sheila who waits for me!"

Even Piotr was game enough to join in for the next part.

"Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

BOOM BOOM

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

BOOM BOOM

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la—"

"An' sweet Marie—"

"And moiy Sheila—"

"And Katya," Piotr admitted, before they all joined together for the last line:

"Who waits for me!"

The students cheered; Scott succumbed to stress and crushed his plastic cup, sending juice all over the floor. The Acolytes bowed, and two of them promptly walked off their 'stage' and towards their girls.

"Oi! Wanda! Didja loike it?"

Wanda glared at him. "What the _hell_ did you think you were doing? You're lucky I'm not hexing your pathetic little ass right out the window!"

"She loves me," John murmured under his breath. Unfortunately, Wanda heard him.

"You just went one step too far, sparky!" Blue energy crackled from her fingers, and true to her word, Wanda sent Pyro flying out the nearest window. Or through it, really, but what are details in the wider scope of life?

It was Kitty who rushed to the 'stage' to meet Piotr, who was standing red-faced in the corner.

"So…like…yeah. That was totally cute of you," she mumbled, suddenly shy. Her words had an unforeseen effect as Piotr stood up a little straighter and even smiled.

"You were…_liking_ this?"

"Yeah. I did." Her eyes fell to the floor, but soon strong fingers lifted her chin back up.

"So, Katya," Piotr chuckled, his fears erased, "What are you doing next weekend?"

By this time, Remy had made his way over to a certain southerner, walking with all the languid grace he used when he was either extremely confident or extremely scared.

"So, _cherie_, what did y' t'ink?"

"It was awful," Rogue spat out before she could stop herself, but Remy's puppy dog look cracked her. "Fahne. It was okay. And it was nice of ya tah humiliate yahself fo' meh."

Remy stared. Rogue flushed.

"Don't just stare at meh, you arrogant swamp—"

But he cut her off with his lips pressed to hers, his hands sliding around her waist and up around her shoulders to her neck. Rogue froze. What was he, crazy?!

Not that she was complaining. The feel of his lips was a heaven she'd never heard of before, and until the absorption set in a few seconds later, she could freely admit that she was enjoying herself.

Then it happened, and she stepped back with a choice word or two. Luckily Piotr was not too far away, and he sprinted over to catch his friend before he could hit the floor.

"Happy birt'day, Rogue," Remy mumbled before he sank into unconsciousness.

Rogue lifted a finger to her lips. Was that her birthday present? Her first real kiss? If so, she wasn't complaining. But there was Kitty shrieking, "Oh my gosh, it's _beautiful,_" and although the girl might have applied that word to a kiss, she was speaking in the present tense.

It was only then that she felt metal near her skin, and she glanced down to see a beautiful necklace around her neck, thin gold topped with a simple pendant of green stone. Peridot? Jade? She didn't know, and she didn't care. Although she was sure that it was either a) very expensive or b) stolen, even the thought of Remy LeBeau bothering to get her a birthday present set off fireworks in her stomach. The singing and the kissing, of course, were extra added bonuses.

The Acolytes were bundling up their equipment and setting out the door when Rogue finally came to her senses and sprinted up to them. By this time, Remy was half awake and lethargic, an arm slung around Piotr's shoulder. He was surprised to see his southern belle standing in front of him, but he didn't let surprise rule his perfectly composed face.

"Rogue? What are y' doin' here? I t'ought y'd be cursin' m' name right now," he muttered. Rogue gaped. How could someone as attractive as he was lack so many brain cells?

"Swamp rat, yah just sang to meh, kissed me, and gave meh a really nice birthday present. Ah ain't gonna be cursin' yah name for at least the next six hours."

Remy frowned. "So y' ain't mad? Den what y' doin' here for?"

Rogue hesitated. Should she? But yes.

"Ah just came tah say… thank you. And…" Her hand slipped into his for a brief second before she pulled it away. "Call meh."

Then she walked off, but Remy didn't quite care. All that mattered was the little piece of paper in his hand, proving that his recent humiliating endeavors had not all been for nothing.

_So there it is, guys. My first real X-Men sort-of-crackfic. Hope it made you laugh at least once, and that I'm not doing a re-hash of someone else's stuff. If I am, sorry! I searched around a bit but couldn't find a title or summary that matched! _

_BEL will be updated ASAP! Work is just strangling me right now, and this was kind of a way of releasing tension… aaargh. _

_Reviews are much appreciated. :)_

_allyg1990_


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